Half a dozen flowers coming your way…I am pregnant! We are excited for the arrival of our baby boy in August.
Yes, I know it’s only a month away and while I had every intention of writing this blog earlier (literally that first sentence sat on a blank page for months) I was always stumped on what I wanted to share with you. Why you ask, because honestly I have not enjoyed being pregnant. I have struggled with this feeling for 34 weeks now and at times it really eats at me. I have friends who deal daily with not being able to get pregnant and those who have the heartbreak of the loss of their child. In my head I think who am I to complain and feel this way, I have been blessed with the opportunity to carry my baby boy but the fact still remains I DON’T LIKE BEING PREGNANT. However, I promised myself I would be real and honest with you and I love writing. I get such freedom when I put my words to paper, so here I go.
When I found out I was pregnant I was ecstatic. Shelden and I hadn’t even been trying all that long and honestly we got pregnant sooner than I expected but regardless I was super excited. I had been dreaming about having my own child as long as I could remember. After I became a stepmom having a child of our own was something I was really looking forward to, I have done the toddler stage with my stepkids but baby stage was a new challenge I was excited and ready for.
Right away I was faced with the first of many realizations that I was no longer in control of my body. I became extremely tired, as in I barely had enough energy to complete my work day. I would go home and sleep, and leave all the house chores to my husband. Add in a couple embarrassing fainting spells while at work due to low blood sugar, and I was clear this was not the pregnancy I had envisioned. I became very frustrated. If you know me, you know that I am hard working and driven, yet I did not feel like myself. I felt like my work and home life were beginning to suffer, I wasn’t ready for this. Call it my stubbornness or controlling nature, but I believed and I guess assumed that I would be able to work up until my baby came. I even imagined being at work and having my water break and then calmly telling my staff and heading to the hospital. So naive of me, I have watched too many Hollywood pictations of labor. At 29 weeks you can imagine my surprise, fear and frustration when I was in labor and delivery with preterm contractions that were beginning to dilate me. After three trips to the hospital in four days, a steroid shot to help with the development of my son’s lungs and many other tests they suggested me to stay off my feet and referred me to my OBGYN for a follow up.
As far as doctors go I have really enjoyed mine – she is direct and to the point, something I have been told I do. Which I guess is probably why I like her. Since my appointment was last minute, I had to see a different doctor in her practice. It wasn’t a big deal to me since my doctor was so great I assumed this doctor was similar to her and it would be just like my other appointments. I was wrong, it was awful. For someone who didn’t know me, she sure made a lot of assumptions and judgements. She came into the room and was immediately dismissive. She didn’t bother to check my cervix to see if I was dilated or if I had progressed any further. It was very clear her mind was made up and she acted as if I had made the whole thing up. When we brought up what was told to us at the hospital she would say things like, “Oh? Is that in your chart?” or “you seem perfectly healthy to me.”and “ you need to take all work related issues up to your boss, not me” I expressed that I wasn’t feeling like she was listening to me as my doctor. I mean I would work, that’s not an issue but my concern of being able to carry my son to full term while working was the issue and could she say that I wouldn’t go back into preterm labor, to which she replied, “ well I guess I can check you if that is what YOU want.” Umm that’s going to be a hard pass. I didn’t want her anywhere near me with the way she was making me feel.
I left feeling very defeated, hurt and and honestly a need to prove her wrong. I wanted to be stronger than I was, but I knew in my heart that if I wanted a healthy baby I needed to be off my feet and do my best to rest.
I began this very real struggle in my head, with many many tears. Why wasn’t MY pregnancy like how so many of friends described it to be? Why couldn’t my body be strong enough for me to continue to work and not let my team down? Why was I not “connecting” with this tiny human growing inside of me? Why did I not like my baby bump? Will others think I am weak? Will my body go back to how it was? Will my husband be resentful for having to take on my load of responsibility in the home? Does this mean I won’t be a good mom?
I ended up seeing my actual Doctor who agreed with the L&D and decided to place me on a modified bed rest. Which in theory sounds great, but not being able to be on my feet for more than an hour at a time has it challenges. Especially when you have just moved into a new home and need to get a nursery together, kids, laundry, unpacking boxes and all the little things in between.
Am I the only one going through this? Am I the only one who feels this way about being pregnant? Why don’t more women talk about the struggles they face during their 40 weeks and even after giving birth? I feel so strongly that society tells us as women we can’t complain while pregnant. We can’t talk about the struggles or hardships. After all we wanted this, right? We must grin and bear it, all because were made to have children. Yes, God created woman to grow life inside of her body and what an amazing gift that is but our bodies are all different, and that doesn’t mean it’s without struggle, pain or heartbreak. Each pregnancy is different, each woman is different and if we place our “womanhood” on the ability to work, be positive 24/7, run a home and carry a baby to full term all while smiling and looking amazing we are setting ourselves up for a huge disappointment if one or all of those don’t work out the way we envision.
As a side note to the women who have struggled on levels I will never know- infertility, rounds and rounds of IVF, miscarriage after miscarriage or never being able to have children due to health reasons allow me to remind you. YOU ARE WOMEN ENOUGH, you are not alone!! I am in no way diminishing your own struggles, hurt, anger or heartbreak.
So why type all of this out, why share my struggle and be vulnerable? Because in my need to control my pregnancy or prove that I am woman enough I realized I don’t need to prove it to anyone. I can share my heart so others can know they are not alone in their feelings. So here I am in the most vulnerable and hormonal state I have ever been in to share with you my heart. I have always been on the smaller side so to see my body so quickly change and no longer looking familiar was so hard. Everything from my boobs growing 3 cup sizes, to how quickly my baby bump arrived and the amount of comments about how “big” I was and if I was having twins. I even had a guest ask me in MAY, oh so any day now- umm nope not until August. My body was no longer looking like mine.
Don’t even get me started on being crazy over food, while I didn’t have any weird craving I became super emotional over food. Think hangry times 100, I think they call it Prangry! I yelled and cried one time because Shelden ate leftover tacos, and I NEVER eat leftovers but apparently wanted those.
The heartburn associated with this pregnancy has been UNREAL. As in I have to take zantac twice a day like clock work along with chewing tums like candy in between. If I am able to fall asleep, I wake up with heartburn that has literally made me throw up. I heard about this heartburn but nothing can compare you for the pain and discomfort you feel. I am most certain my son will be born looking chewbacca or at least be rocking a grown man head of hair.
Ok so this may shock you but there are times when the way my son feels moving inside of me makes me want to gag. It’s not all the time, and recently since he doesn’t have much room to move the feeling has been different then jab. It’s like this weird rolling and at times he pushes so hard I swear he is going to tear my skin.
While these are only a few of my difficulties in the last 34 weeks (I didn’t want to be too much of a negative Nancy) there have been some pretty neat things too. Like how my kiddos have instantly bonded with their new brother. Ellie kisses my belly constantly and says “ I love you baby.” Joshua and Micah will rub my belly and they love to feel him move. My husband getting to feel him move A LOT- this kids is constantly moving.
Through it all, my ups and downs I honestly can’t wait to hold my son because I know the end result will be worth it all. Let’s face it pregnancy is hard. Whether you have struggled like me or you had an easy breezy pregnancy it’s no joke and we need to be real with our struggles if only to support one another.
Until next time!