December 5, 2018. The day I found out I was pregnant was one of the happiest days of my life! It was right up there with all the big events that are important to everyone, getting engaged, getting married or your football team winning the Superbowl. Not that I know what that’s like, I cheer on the SD/LA Chargers.
This wasn’t however the first time I had found out I was pregnant. I don’t talk about it much because usually people think I had a miscarriage and that isn’t the case. I chose this, I had an abortion.
I am not really sure where to even begin other than it was one of the hardest choices I have ever made. One I regret, however at the time I was thankful that I had that choice. I was always pro life, or so I thought, but when faced with a situation and the fears of what my Christian friends and family would think about getting pregnant without being married- FEAR took over. I wasn’t even young. I was selfish, I wanted my career which was just starting to take off. I didn’t want to be attached to my ex boyfriend for the rest of my life. I surely didn’t want him to be the father of my baby. So I made a CHOICE, a choice that every time I look at my son I think about the child that I willingly gave up.
The process itself was horrendous. I’ll spare you the details. The healing process from that was intense. Physically and Mentally. What I didn’t expect was the amount of SHAME that I felt immediately after, I couldn’t even look at myself in the mirror. It was something I would continually have to work through over the next several years.
And then January of 2019 hit.
If you don’t remember allow me to remind you, there was an abortion bill that was looking to be passed. Boy was the CHURCH vocal about it, as they should be it was to allow late term abortions and as someone who has gone through that procedure I couldn’t even fathom nor would I EVER think something like that would be ok to do. Their words, oh their words- they were so hurtful lacking any love and grace especially for those of us who are Christians with heavy guilt of a choice we had made in the past. I had just found out I was pregnant with Declan and what I was reading on social media were comments like “you are a murder”; “horrible mother”; “no self worth”; “going to hell”; “how can any normal woman do that”. Imagine reading those words directed at you, then add pregnancy hormones on top of that, all the shame of my choice came flooding back. I even had to unfollow some of the leaders/friends from my old church. Did they know that they were referring to me? Did they care? Were they more concerned with proclaiming their beliefs vs showing compassion. I love Jesus, but man sometimes the “Church” just doesn’t get it.
I began to dig in deeper, I knew that I was forgiven but had I forgiven myself? I knew that God loved me regardless of what I did or didn’t do- I wasn’t going to allow the enemy to take me back down a road of fear and shame.
So why now? Why am I choosing to talk about this now? Am I Pro Life or Pro Choice? What do I believe?
I believe that someone needs to hear my story, maybe it’s you! Someone needs to know that their choices they have made in the past DO NOT DEFINE THEIR FUTURE! Let me say it again, each day you wake up is a new day to make new CHOICES! The things you did yesterday are done, the choices you made years ago are forgotten and if those choices hurt someone else I would bet, even forgiven. You are not defined by past mistakes, choose to step out of that mindset and make the CHOICE to forgive yourself!
I have forgiven myself but it took some time and a lot of prayer. I am not defined by my past. God can take my worst decisions and use them for good. I make the CHOICE to not be afraid of what others may think. I choose to use this story to help others make the right choice, one they aren’t making out of fear, or shame. One they won’t regret.
If you are someone who needs help walking out forgiveness in your life or just needs support I am here. No judgement. No shame. Just love.